Why do nice guys finish last?

Many a nigga has tried to answer this question and its many various pitiful forms : Why did she friendzone me? Why can’t she recognize my love? Why is she dating that idiot, not me? Why did she say no to me when I asked her out? Why doesn’t she just ask me out?

Is it because nice guys are boring? Is it because girls love bad boys?

No, homie. It is because Nice guys like you have one major goddamn character flaw, one major thing holding you back like the thing holding back Meek Mill’s career and Bruce Willis’s hairline. And if you can get past it my friend, you will feel like you just hacked god’s computer and unlocked unlimited love, happiness and a permanent visa to v*ginaville.

So, I guess you want to know what this Nice-Guy-Flaw is. You do. Fine, fine, don’t drool on me, n*gga, I’ll tell you. It’s PASSIVENESS. Go on, repeat after Riley like a good little baby boy. PASSIVENESS.

Yeah, that’s your problem. You see, Nice Guys think that if they are good, and patient and dress up like all the fruits of the goddamn spirit and are just generally nice, good things will come to them. And by good things, they mean love and/or access to vag (Same difference really, Real n*gga talk).

Well, the sad news is the Universe doesn’t give you any damn prizes for being nice. In fact the universe likes to screw you in the butt for being nice. If you want a glimpse of what kinda sh*t goes down and typically happens when you make deposits at Nice Guy bank for 10 years and then come in one day expecting a return on your investment, here you f*cking go:

The Beginning

You: Hey Mr. Life, I’ve been Nice to this girl for 10 years now, like real nice. Feel me? I think it’s time for her to love me now.

Life: Oh? Is that so? Well she’s busy getting her brains banged out of her head by Emeka right now, how about you check back in another 10 years?

You: OK. *keeps being generally nice and doing other gay shit*

{10 years later}

You: Hey yo, Mr. Life, let me holla at you for a minute. Remember me? I been nice to this girl for 20 years now. Real nice. Can I get some of her love and affection and sexy time now?

Life: LOL. B*tch please. Get to steppin’. She has 3 baby daddies now and still aint gon wax your rod.

The End.

(To God be the glory)

See, Mr. Nice Guy (currently reading this article but who is also too passive about life and afraid to take any kind of meaningful action except make noise anonymously in the comments section because yo ass is too passive and scared to actually respond)….This is your life. And it is a sad, pitiful pit of masturbation and frustration and other -ations in general.

So, now that Dr. Riley has diagnosed your problem homie, Dr. Riley is going to help you by makin a prescription. What you need is a little bit of Recklessness. Go on, repeat after me you cuckolded little akara oil stain. RECKLESSNESS. Good boy.


Why? Because the only reason you are Passive is because you are afraid. You are afraid of rejection. Afraid you will say the wrong thing. Afraid the hot girl you have been wanting all these years after won’t love you the way you imagine her to. Afraid you will f*ck up. Afraid that sh*t will happen. Well, unfortunately for you, sh*t has been in the business of happening since God threw a rock at earth and killed all the dinosaurs back before n*ggas were walking upright. Sh*t has been happening since God decided to leave his shower on and flood the whole goddam planet. Sh*t has been happening since n*ggas been chasing after b*tches. What I mean is… Sh*t done been happening and sh*t gon keep happening because sh*t business is good business. Feel me? Sh*t happens. Grow some goddamn balls and accept it.

You know those things you imagine yourself saying to that hot girl? Those ones you think you should not say because they are arrogant and offensive and sexual and you think she is a f*cking Disney princess that can’t handle hearing it? Those are the exact things you should say to her. Say them. They are how you feel. So Be f*king honest. Be you. And if she hates you for it then so be it ma n*gga. Find someone who is into your sick twisted kinky sh*t and who will like you, crazy, confused, shy, stupid, creepy or whatever it is. Just don’t sit there with your d*ck in your hands waiting for good sh*t to come to you. The best things in life are not damn free. They come to those who can grab life by the balls and tell that motherf*cker to give them what they f*king want or they’ll rip its balls off. Sometimes they get it, sometimes they dont but they still grab balls regardless. Take life by the balls. By. The. Goddamn. Balls.

Now, Church is over. Feel free to drop some offering in the comment basket or whatever.

In Summary:

1. Mr Nice Guy, Stop being so PASSIVE. It sucks gay balls.

2. Stop giving so much of a shit and get a little RECKLESSNESS aka GIVE-A-SHIT-LESSNESS all up in your system.

3. Take life by the balls. By. The. Goddamn. Balls.


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